I have a weird relationship to food. I used to have eating disorders. I binged, purged, starved, over ate. I've tried nearly every diet. I've fasted. I've restricted.
Currently I'm loving who I am and learning to love the body I live in. I am appreciated by kind lovers who not only love my personality and mind but also my body.
The women in my family have hated their bodies, and felt guilt about what they consume their whole lives. Through thick and thin, and they have never found peace.I want peace.
I currently eat whatever I want. I give in to any craving I have. Yes I've gained a little extra weight (5lbs), but I was already overweight and it's the only thing I haven't tried.
Amazingly the food I've craved such as pizza and any combination of bread and cheese is actually becoming disgusting too me now.My cravings are starting to turn towards water, fruit, veggies, etc.
However, I have stomach problems. I've been to the doctor time and again, but they aren't sure what it is. Maybe it's stress, recently they said irritable bowel, but whatever it is I end up getting sick even when there is nothing to throw up.
Some times I simply CANNOT eat for days. This has presented a problem as not eating is really my only trigger--but it's a big one. After a week of getting sick for even touching water or saltines--It becomes harder and hard to want to eat...I don't like this.
So this blog is to keep me more aware of what I eat, document my food/body image struggles, a place to be whiny and crybaby like with out friends and family being forced to see it (like on facebook). Its also a place to reblog motivating images about body image, food, and exercise.Thought I am no longer ana, or mia, it is a safe space for other people with body image issues. No judgment--the ed community is probably the only place I've ever felt comfortable in discussing food issues, I hope to support others to be as healthy as possible while lost in their own ED's and support anyone who is trying to recover.
(no thinspo here)
I find that I idolize these hard living white men. Brains working fast, sucking up the world around them and funneling it through their art. Mooching off of the people around them, being rowdy and self destructive being immortalized because of it.
It’s something that as a woman I can’t ever imaging doing without there being some sort of sappy formulaic lifetime movie of victimization about it. I know that there are those of us out there, we just don’t get immortalized the way men like Henry Miller and Hunter S. Thompson are.
Some nights I daydream of shedding my feminine form. Getting in bloody fistfights and losing teeth only to laugh about it later. A place where I am allowed to be whole or maybe to live out something that is missing in this safe, careful life. Moderation Moderation Moderation… except with food and sex. And what a bummer food is when it comes to mood altering chemicals. I imagine my body inexplicably holding up for an over extended amount of time because of all the living i’ve shoved into it.
And then I wake up and realize that I’ve been watching Doctor who in my safe little cave for three days straight, waiting for someone to set me free.
One of my favorite nights from my twenties was a being at a bar when a fight broke out. I had been drinking whiskey and I shit you not the guy next to me and my friends acutally broke a bottle on the bar presumably to cut someone with. I remember laughing and feeling a thrill and giddiness in my heart.
Here is all this violence… and I’m smiling. We didn’t stay for long. Someone in my group of friends had the good sense to get us moving… but I remember how I wished I had stayed and participated..
33 and still so much more living to do. Breaking the television and food habits and trading them in for a forward motion. Not getting tied down by my own weight or fear.
Fleshing out my various arts, and getting back to letting my life experiences drive and inspire them. 6 months in Suburban hell has me soul searching. I can’t wait to get back on the fast tract.
I don’t need a house, a lawn, some kids, a husband, a dog and an old age. I just need to keep making art in everyway I can until I can’t anymore. And once I can’t I’ll just go home.